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Todays joke's

Discussion in 'Comedy & Humor' started by Logandk, Jan 1, 2010.

  1. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    A twin-engine plane

    A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail; altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom:
    "I'm sorry it has to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'
    Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
    Again the pilot gets on the intercom. "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
    "Africans, any Africans on board?"
    No one answers.
    "Ok then, 'B'. Black people, any black people?"
    Again, silence.
    "How 'bout 'C' - Coloured people, any coloured people on board?"
    Still, silence.
    A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Momma, ain't we African? Ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?'"
    "Yes, son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first."

    Life Without Farms

    A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked
    The kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

    Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

    "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
    I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit
     
  2. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    lol :lolabove:
     
  3. hawkeye

    hawkeye Well-Known Member

    jejeje that's so wrong...jejejejejeje
     
  4. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    I hate waking up in the morning and finding f**king snow on my car.

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2015
  5. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    Q. What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
    A. The wife.


    A friend of mine says he is shagging twins,
    I said “How can you tell the difference?”
    He said “Her brother has a moustache.”



    Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
    They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
     
  6. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue

    Doctor: "What happened?"


    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled
    with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

    Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
     
    Rubicks likes this.
  7. Laughing Man

    Laughing Man садистский делирий

    ha! :clap:
     
  8. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    The Bathtub Test



    During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do

    You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.



    "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them a

    teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty

    the bathtub."



    "Oh, I understand," I said. "So a normal person would use the bucket because

    it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



    "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.



    Do you want a bed near the window?"
     
  9. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    Good kitchen tips!

    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!




    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.



    Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.




    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.



    Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!



    If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'


    If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'



    Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.



    Celery? Never heard of it!



    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.



    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.



    Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.



    Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!



    If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.


    Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.



    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


    Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
     
  10. Laughing Man

    Laughing Man садистский делирий

    ^ lol!
     
  11. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
    “It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”
     
  12. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
    They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
    I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
    It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."



    Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"
    but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?



    Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
    I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

    ---

    Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
    "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"



    My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
    It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.



    Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
    Personally I think its bollocks!!



    They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
    After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!



    Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
    The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.



    Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
    "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."



    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
    I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"



    A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
    "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
    "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
     
  13. Laughing Man

    Laughing Man садистский делирий

    ^ :clap:
     
  14. Anka

    Anka Well-Known Member

    I like these jokes .. :D
     
  15. Tinkerbell

    Tinkerbell Well-Known Member

    Funny shiat.
     
  16. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

    A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
    As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"



    What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

    Darling I'm home!
     
  17. Anka

    Anka Well-Known Member

    I like these posts they make me smile
     
  18. Laughing Man

    Laughing Man садистский делирий

    me too :D
     
  19. Anka

    Anka Well-Known Member

    Why don't women blink during foreplay?

    They don't have time.


    Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
    your pick?
    Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

    A little kid comes running into the backyard.
    He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

    "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
     
    Logandk likes this.
  20. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
    and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
    he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
    and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
    But every now and then he'd hear an internal
    reassuring voice in his head that said:


    "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
    medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
    patients and you won't be the last.
    And you're single. Just let it go."


    But invariably another voice in his head
    would bring him back to reality.
    Whispering......

    Dave...........

    Dave .............

    Dave........

    Dave........


    Dave........



    ............you're a vet.
     
  21. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the
    Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...
    One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a
    Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger
    is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University
    From the Middle East . Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
    Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and
    the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
    The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table,
    tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a
    cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old
    windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
    Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At
    one time here... my people were many.. but sadly, now we are few.'
    The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people
    were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many.. Why do you suppose that is?'
    The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness
    beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .
    'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, But I do
    believe it's a-comin'..'
     
    Tinkerbell likes this.
  22. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    A married irish man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
    almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
    You're not to see that woman again.
    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
    You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
    and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
     
  23. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
    grandchildren, and great grandchildren..
    Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
    We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
     
  24. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    - I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

    - A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a sc*ew for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your c*ck for a lawn mower'.

    - Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

    - I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did

    - A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat b*tch, you'll lose it eventually’

    - Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

    - Recession beater -
    Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me c*m on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'

    - One of life's great mysteries -
    How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch f*nny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

    - I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

    - Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

    - I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    - Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
     
  25. Logandk

    Logandk It wasnt me

    I was going through a couple of magazines the other day at the local Muslim shop. I was really enjoying myself until the bloody gun jammed!

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2015
    Private_Ale likes this.