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Todays joke's

Discussion in 'Comedy & Humor' started by Logandk, Jan 1, 2010.

  1. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  2. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).

    As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

    In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" and "fosforous" up to 20 persent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments wil enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem vil hav finali kum tru.
     
  3. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    suicide prevention.jpg
     
    Rubicks likes this.
  4. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

    we,sir are going to hell,you for posting ,me for laughing my head off:):)
     
  5. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  6. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

    They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.

    Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

    His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
     
  7. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Peter is on Trial...

    He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.

    The judge wants to know; "Why did you shoot your wife?".

    "Well," Peter replies, "It seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
     
  8. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

    St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."

    The guy replies: "What about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."

    St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"

    The guy: "About 5 minutes ago"
     
  9. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  10. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  11. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
    "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
    "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
    The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
    "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
    "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
    The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
    "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
    "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"


     
  12. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  13. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  14. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A woman goes to her Gynecologist...

    "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

    Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

    The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."
     
  15. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    Today's trial of a 94 year Old Lady' defendant
    Judge...... how old are you maam?
    Old Lady:.... I am 94years old.
    Defence :.Will you tell u in your own words what happened the night of April 1st?
    Old Lady:..There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and he sat down beside me.
    Defence :.....Did you know him?
    Old Lady:....No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defence.....What happened after he sat down?
    Old Lady:......He started to rub my thigh.
    Defence :.....Did you stop him?
    Old Lady:.....No, I didn't stop him.
    Defence .....Why not?
    Little Old Lady:.It felt good.Not done that since David died some 30 years ago.
    Defence :...What happened next?
    Old Lady:....He began to rub all over my body.
    Defence :....Did you stop him then?
    Old Lady:....No, I did not stop him.
    Defence ....Why not?
    Old Lady:.His rub made me feel alive excited.I haven't felt that good in years!
    Defence:...What happened next?
    Old Lady:...Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
    Defence :...Did he take you?
    Old Lady:....Hell.... NO! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'.............AND THATS WHEN I SHOT THE LITTLE BASTARD
     
    Rubicks likes this.
  16. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

    Cop "Who the hell ordered all these pizzas!"
    suspect "You said I had one phonecall..."
     
  17. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  18. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    NEWSPAPER BOY

    Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

    He knocks on a door and says to the lady,
    "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

    She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly
    give you some great sex instead."

    Little Johnny agrees, "All right."

    He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them
    down.

    To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's
    ever seen.

    Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls
    out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto
    his penis.

    The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take
    all of it."

    "Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.
     
  19. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

    So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.

    By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

    The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"

    The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

    The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.

    So the cabbie goes in.

    A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

    The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

    The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

    The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"
     
  20. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    An American, a Englishman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.

    The American said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest body oil money can buy, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

    The Englishman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with very special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love.. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

    The Aussie said: That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with butter.

    I smeared her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

    The American and Englishman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ....wow that's phenomenal !

    How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

    The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains.
     
  21. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

    Well, it's shit ... that's right , shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

    You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

    Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

    There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

    You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

    You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

    You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

    Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

    Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

    You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

    You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

    And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

    You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

    Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.

    Well, Shit Happens!
     
    Afronaught likes this.
  22. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    British-airways

    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York .

    The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

    Silence followed.

    Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

    From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......

    "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!”
     
    phyuckew likes this.
  23. bikertom80

    bikertom80 Well-Known Member

    A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

    They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

    Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

    The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

    This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

    The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

    Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

    She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

    Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!
     
  24. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  25. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member