1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. BeerCandle is a private community You may need to register to view the content of some threads.
  3. You are currently browsing an area which has guest posting enabled. Please be aware that any contributions as a guest will be moderated before public display.

Todays joke's

Discussion in 'Comedy & Humor' started by Logandk, Jan 1, 2010.

  1. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  2. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    Double standards are the worst.

    If a woman sleeps with a lot of guys she is a slut...

    But if a man does it he is a homosexual.
  3. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  4. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  5. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

    The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

    The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

    The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

    "No" says the boy, "He minded his own fucking business."
  6. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    "Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was.... extremely silly?"
    No, I said she was fucking goofy.
    jundies likes this.
  7. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

    A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

    The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

    "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

    Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
    jundies likes this.
  8. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  9. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  10. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  11. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

    Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

    Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

    Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
    jundies and Private_Ale like this.
  12. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  13. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A man went to his lawyer and told him,"My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do"?

    "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

    "Nope", replied the man.

    "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you", said the lawyer.

    "But it's only $500", replied the man.

    "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
    Loadrunner, jundies and Private_Ale like this.
  14. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  15. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  16. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

    ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

    Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
  17. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.

    She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

    The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."

    Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "

    Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.

    When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."

    "...pay you" replied the old man.
  18. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

    Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
    jundies, Afronaught and Loadrunner like this.
  19. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

    Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls................................

    Do they blow themselves up?
  20. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

  21. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!

    Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

    Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

    London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and
    registration, please!'

    London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

    The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
    phyuckew likes this.
  22. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    sunbathing hat.jpg
    jundies likes this.
  23. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

    After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.

    "What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.

    "Well... I masturbated into them," he says.

    She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.

    "Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.

    "Sure, all the time," her friend says.

    "Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.

    "Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"
    bikertom80 likes this.
  24. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

  25. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member