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What is your best NSFW joke?

Discussion in 'Comedy & Humor' started by Private_Ale, May 7, 2012.

  1. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?

    [HIDE]Michael Phelps can finish a race.[/HIDE]
     
  2. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?
    [hide]You only have to teach them how to take off! [/hide]
     
  3. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    What do you call a white man surrounded by twenty five indians?
    [hide]bartender!
    [/hide]
     
  4. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    What do you call an Indian without a Casino?
    [hide]A Mexican
    [/hide]
     
  5. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    Who’s the best Jewish cook?
    [hide]Hitler.
    [/hide]
     
  6. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    What the worst thing about being a black Jew?
    [hide]You have to sit in the back of the oven.
    [/hide]
     
  7. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    What do you get when you cross a Jewish princess and a prostitute?
    [hide]A fucking know-it-all.
    [/hide]
     
  8. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    Why are jews so good at math?
    [hide]They got all the answers tattooed on their arms.
    [/hide]
     
  9. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to
    stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it
    was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
    on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was
    a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter
    in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a
    widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
    glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
    and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
    room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2004

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails
    to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
    your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
     
  10. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    lolwat
     
  11. cymru am byth

    cymru am byth twll dîn pob sais

    543229_383911041652498_229584897085114_1004109_1660017716_n[2].JPG
     
    Private_Ale likes this.
  12. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    A woman is in labor in the hospital. After several hours she finally delivers her baby and the doctor congratulates her on giving birth to a healthy baby boy.

    The doctor takes the boy out of the room and says he's just going to do a quick exam. When he comes back in holding the baby he suddenly throws it to the ground and starts kicking the shit out of it.

    The woman screams 'What are you doing to my baby?!?"

    The doctor throws his hands up in the air and yells "April Fools, it was already dead!"
     
  13. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
    The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
    The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
    The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."
     
  14. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

    Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...


     
  15. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
     
    jundies likes this.
  16. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
    After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
    The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"
     
  17. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2015
  18. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What do you call a flooded hospital?

    Vegetable soup.
     
  19. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    What's the hardest part of a Vegetable to cook?

    [hide]his wheelchair[/hide]
     
  20. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What is the most positive thing in the ghetto?

    [HIDE]HIV.[/HIDE]
     
  21. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Two brothers are opening up gifts on Christmas morning and they open their first presents and the 1st brother, Tom, opens up his present and it's an Xbox 360, then the second brother, Joe, opens up his present and he gets a sweater. Then the boys open up their next presents and Tom gets a puppy while Joe gets a lame clarinet. The next present, Tom gets a new alienware laptop and Joe gets an assortment of school supplies. Walking up the stairs back to play with their new gifts, Tom, the first brother, says to Joe, the second brother, "Gee, I sure did beat you this year for gifts." And Joe responds, "Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer."
     
  22. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What's black and sits at the top of a staircase?

    [HIDE]Stephen Hawking after a house fire.[/HIDE]
     
    Afronaught likes this.
  23. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    Have you guys heard the one about the child with aids?

    [HIDE]It never gets old.[/HIDE]
     
  24. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

    [HIDE]Gagged.[/HIDE]
     
  25. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?


    [HIDE]A hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods.[/HIDE]