1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. BeerCandle is a private community You may need to register to view the content of some threads.
  3. You are currently browsing an area which has guest posting enabled. Please be aware that any contributions as a guest will be moderated before public display.

What is your best NSFW joke?

Discussion in 'Comedy & Humor' started by Private_Ale, May 7, 2012.

  1. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What happens when an Italian loses his arms?

    [HIDE]Speech impediment.[/HIDE]
     
  2. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What goes into thirteen twice?

    [hide]Roman Polanski[/hide]
     
  3. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    I'm the only twisted bastard in this thread aren't I?

    * Private_Ale cranks it a notch

    How's anal sex like your first car?

    [HIDE]You don't really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways.[/HIDE]
     
  4. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    I'll take it even further... since I am a Sick Fuck... (as Certain members of my family put it)

    A father was Washing his Young Daughter, now the father had decided to take a bath with his young daughter in order to kill 2 birds with one stone.
    Now as all Young childern are naturaly Curious.. the Little Girls asks:

    Little Girl: Daddy, What that down there?
    Dad: that's pubic hair
    Little Girl: Do I have pubic hair?
    Dad: No you dont.
    Little Girl: Will I have pubic har?
    Dad: yes
    Little Girl: When daddy?
    Dad: when you are older.
    Little Girl: Oh ok.


    After a little wile later.

    Little Girl: Daddy, What's that Below your Pubic Hair
    Dad: That's My penis
    Little Girl: Do I have a Penis Daddy?
    Dad: No you dont
    Little Girl: Will I have a penis daddy?
    Dad: eventually
    Little Girl: When Will I have a penis daddy?
    Dad: when you mom goes shopping later.
     
    Private_Ale likes this.
  5. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"


    Joke

    Accountant gets caught embezzling millions of dollars from a high powered law firm.

    He goes to trial and as expected gets a lengthy prison sentence. When he gets to prison and the door slams shut he starts to sob, it has really hit home now.

    His cellmate, a big hulking black man, asks him why he is sobbing. The Accountant says "I have heard about what happens to little guys like me in prison."

    The cellmate says "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that kind of thing, this is the new prison system. See nowadays we are civil enough to give you a choice, you can be the husband or the wife. It's your choice!"

    "Really!?" says the accountant, starting to realize that his situation is really not going to be THAT bad.

    "Yes" says the cellmate, "What would you like to be?"

    "Well" the accountant says "I would like to be the husband."

    The cellmate says "Great! good choice, now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"
     
  6. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    A man and his nephew are walking in the woods at night.

    The kid whines to his uncle "It's so scary and dark here!"

    The uncle nods and looks solemnly at the child and replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
     
  7. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Q: Why do black people have white palms?
    A: There's a little bit of good in everyone.

    Q: If Jamal has 5 bananas, 3 watermelons, and 1 grape, what does Jamal have?
    A: Food stamps.

    Q: Whats 8 inches long, hard and full of semen??
    A: The sock under my bed.
     
  8. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

  9. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    They say there's safety in numbers, someone should have told that to about 6 million jews.
     
  10. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    How do you punish hellen keller? You re-arrange her furniture.
     
  11. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    3DSk1.png
     
  12. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"


    Two men in the bar talk about sex.

    One suddenly says: "I prefer the Rodeo position"

    The other; "The Rodeo position? What the fuck is that?"

    "Well" says the other: "You have the woman on all fours, fuck her from behind and grab her breasts and then whisper in her ears: "Your tits feel as good as your sister's", See how many seconds you can keep your dick in!!"
     
  13. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

    [HIDE]Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20% off[/HIDE]
     
  14. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Q: Why do black people only have nightmares?
    A: Because the last one that had a dream got shot.

    Q: How do you break up the "Million Man March"?
    A: Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.

    Q: How do you kill a retard?
    A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

    Q: What's the difference between bigfoot and a hard working black man?
    A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

    Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
    A: None, it's a woman's job.

    Q: Who are the two most famous black women in history?
    A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker.

    Q: Who is the best Jewish cook?
    A: Hitler.

    Q. Why cant Mexicans have a barbeque?
    A. The beans keep falling through the grill

    Q: What does a black person and a soda machine have in common?
    A: They both take your money and give you coke in return.

    Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
    A: The back of my hand.

    Q: What does a black person have in common with a soda machine?
    A: They both don't work and always take your money.

    Q: What would be the funniest thing to put in a black church.
    A: The clapper.
     
  15. phyuckew

    phyuckew she "pwetty"

    Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    A: They're hiring.

    Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
    A: There's one less drunk.

    Q: Why do Mexicans make refried beans?
    A: Ever heard of a Mexican doing something right the first time..

    Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
    A: A liar.

    Q: What's another word for cocoon?
    A: ninigger.

    Q: What do you say to a well dressed black guy?
    A: Will the defendant please rise.

    Q: Why are lawn sprinklers racist?
    A: Because they go: "spic, spic, spic, spic, - chink - nigga, nigga,nigga,nigga,nigga,nigga

    Q: Why did Hitler stop the Holocaust?
    A: Because his gas bill was too high.

    Q: What's a jew's favorite Disney movie?
    A: Pinocchio.

    Q: What is the Cuban national anthem?
    A: Why "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" of course!

    Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
    A: A tycoon.

    Q: What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person?
    A: Neighbor.

    Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
    A: They don't fucking listen.

    Q: Why are aspirins white?
    A: Because they work.

    Q: What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
    A: Their last great hit was the wall.

    Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
    A: Two more bullets.

    Q: What is a woman who is staring at a blank piece of paper doing?
    A: Reading her rights.

    Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
    A: Give the bitch a shovel.

    Q:Why do black people eat tootsie rolls with a fork?
    A: So they don't bite their fingers.

     
  16. Void

    Void ZXC-79523

    Why did the sexual pervert cross the road?






    ... Because his dick was stuck in a chicken..
     
  17. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    LOLERSKITTLES
     
  18. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    to get to the school bus stop

    :rage-pleasure:
     
  19. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    I bought a pig for $100 and named it moo-ham-head.

    I sold him for $150.

    Does that make him a profit?
     
  20. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

    warning extreme joke...

    [HIDE]When did the boy knew his sister got abused by daddy?

    When his daddies dick tasted like his sisters pussy[/HIDE]
     
    Afronaught and Private_Ale like this.
  21. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    I Went to a Chinese Restaurant the other day.

    And I asked the waiter:
    Do you have any Chinese Jews?

    He said.. no We only have Apple Juice, and Orange Juice.
     
  22. Private_Ale

    Private_Ale King Neckbeard

    What did the leper say to the prostitute?
    "Keep the tip!"
     
  23. Afronaught

    Afronaught ♫ Official Princess ♫

    How many retarded kids does it take to Screw in a Light bulb?

    as many as you like, it's fun watching them spasm when they put their little fingers in the light socket.
     
  24. Rubicks

    Rubicks Well-Known Member

    but,but it worked for the invisible man
     
  25. Loadrunner

    Loadrunner Well-Known Member

    What did the deaf , blind and paralised girl got for her Birthday?

    [HIDE]Aids[/HIDE]